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alexs_storybook ([personal profile] alexs_storybook) wrote2017-02-16 11:01 am

Fic: Elflords to the Rescue (Tolkien)

Title: Elflords to the Rescue
Author: Alexcat
Type: FCG
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own nor do i profit from the use of these characters.
Warnings: Silliness.
Beta: None
Characters: The elflords, Santa, Jeannette, Ralph the elf
Archive: OEAM , Ao3, Alex's Story book
Author’s Note: More Christmas silliness.
Spoilers: No
Summary: Santa needs them again!


Lord Celeborn was always dangerous when there was not much to do. With his wife and her Ring of Power, there never was a LOT to do. He mostly just stood around and looked constipated. When stories were written about him, no one wanted to call him Celeborn the Constipated so instead they said he was wise. Whether he was wise or not will be up to the reader.

Getting back to the story, Lord Celeborn was consti-er-bored.

It was getting very close to the Winter Solstice. It had been years since he and his fellow elflords had been on an adventure and a long time since he’d seen the delightful Jeannette Claus. He wondered if she had any more children since he’d helped deliver young Santa Junior.

He pulled his flask out of his pocket and turned it up. Empty! Maybe Thranduil would bring him some of that fine wine from Lake-town. Men had fine wine and fine women. He thought of Jeannette with all her curves.

Yes, he’d go visit Santa.

He sent letters as he always did, then forgot them the next day when Galadriel decided they needed to clean out his sock drawers. He expected she was looking for his stash of Naked Elf magazines. She’d never find them. He’d hidden them in his desk drawer and since she was sure he never did any work, they were safe there.

That reminded him that he hadn’t looked at the newest issue either. He made his way to his office and found a bottle of brandy from Rohan. He found a coffee cup, poured himself a generous portion and opened December’s Naked Elf.

Ooh, there was a marchwarden! He looked a lot like Haldir as he stood naked, aiming his arrow at a target in the distance. He didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone practice archery naked. That might be fun. Or dangerous.

The next layout was a she elf, a willowy blond not unlike the willowy blond he was married to. She was looking into a magic well, naked. Galadriel never did that! Maybe she would if he asked her to. More likely she’d just make a rude sound and swat his bottom as she told him to find something useful to do, like clean out his sock drawer.

Toward the back of the issue, the pictures were a bit more naughty, two elves in very suggestive poses, especially suggestive if they were naked. He turned the magazine around and looked closer. He might ask Galadriel if they could do that. For all her practicality, she still was quite a lot of fun when he finally did get her naked.

He heard someone coming and put the magazine in the drawer.

“Letter for you, m’lord,” a young elf said. He handed the parcel to the elflord.


I am bored and would love to go on an adventure. I haven’t drunk from anyone’s flask in quite a while and Glorfindel is driving me mad with his constant blathering about killing balrogs. I think Elrond is taking his own medicines from the House of Healing as he is talking about killing balrogs, too. I’m fairly sure he’s never even seen a balrog. Arwen has taken up with that orphan boy and the twins seem hell bent on killing every orc in existence and making sure that they bring all the dirt from Arda home with them. They reek!

Anyway, I am coming to visit. I’ll probably bring the other two old farts with me. We should be there soon.

Looking forward to that flask.


Celeborn smiled. He remembered the last time Erestor drank from his flask. He drained his cup and put the letter in his pocket. He should tell his wife they were having company. Maybe Thranduil and Gandalf would come too. Thranduil always brought something good to drink.

He was whistling when he met Galadriel in the hallway.

“What are you up to?” She asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Company’s coming.”

“Your idiot friends?”

“Yes, that would be who is coming.” He lifted her off the ground and twirled her around then kissed her soundly before he set her down.

Gandalf showed up the next day, claiming he knew nothing of a letter. He said Celeborn was needed at the North Pole again. Jeannette was about to give birth again and had requested him and Elrond to assist Bethany in tending her. Ralph was looking forward to seeing Elrond as well.

“I fancy a bit of pipe weed,” Gandalf said after he had dined with Celeborn and Galadriel.

He joined Gandalf on the balcony and took a draw from the pipe. He had no idea how Gandalf ever got anything done when he smoked that stuff. It made him all fuzzy and floaty, actually not much different from how he normally was.

The next day brought Thranduil with a cart filled with boxes of wine from Lake-land.

“Did you already get my letter?” Celeborn asked.

“I did, but I was coming anyway. Are the old farts here yet?”

Celeborn laughed. “The Imladris farts? No, but they will be soon. Gandalf says the North Pole needs us again. Jeannette is expecting again and Ralph is lonely. Erestor said something about Elrond and balrogs and my flask and Glorfindel being an arse.”

“Sounds normal to me. So is the tube coming to take us?” Thranduil asked.

“Gandalf hasn’t said but I expect so.”

The Imladris group did not arrive for two more days. Celeborn and Thranduil were playing checkers on the balcony and they heard Glorfindel long before they came in sight.


Thranduil grinned at Celeborn. “The balrog must have bit his ears off first!”

“It’s a pity it wasn’t his tongue! He makes my heads hurt,” Celeborn said as he jumped all of Thranduil’s remaining checkers. Thranduil was fairly sure they were all smarter than Celeborn, but none of them had ever been able to beat him in at any game. Or outdrink him.

Galadriel had her staff pull out all the stops for dinner and they feasted on venison, beef, chicken, greens and root vegetables, breads of all sorts, fruits and nuts baked into pastries and lots of wine. Lots and lots of wine. Elrond got so drunk that he called Galadriel mommy and Erestor kissed a coat rack and asked it to dance. It declined. Gandalf danced with him instead. Thranduil laughed so hard that wine ran out his nose.

It was nearly dawn when before the whole drunken lot was in bed.

Galadriel woke them al before nine and told them to get going. She’d heard the tube roar into the big clearing and wanted a few days of quiet. Glorfindel alone was as loud as that noisy tube thing. Arwen had given her some new bath oil that smelled so nice.

Gandalf was as cheerful as always though he’d drunk the others under the table. Well, all but Celeborn.

“Hurry up! The babe won’t wait!” Gandalf said, almost as loudly as Glorfindel talked.

The grumpy elves followed him to the airplane and off they went. He was glad when they’d all gone to sleep with a little bit of magic to nudge them along to dreamland. He listened to his iPod as they flew along. It wasn’t very long until they landed at Santa’s little airstrip.

Ralph was there to meet them in a sled. He was all smiles for Elrond, big smiles which Elrond returned. Celeborn thought Elrond looked like his face might break when he smiled like that.

“WHERE IS SANTA?” Glorfindel shouted.

“He is waiting. He and Mrs. Claus have hot cocoa and cookies for you then perhaps a nap,” Ralph said as he winked at Elrond. Celeborn hoped Ralph didn’t think he was being subtle.

Ralph led them to the house, which looked like a giant gingerbread house, complete with white trim that looked like icing. Santa and his wife greeted them at the door, the very pregnant Mrs. Claus giving Celeborn a very friendly hug and kiss.

Gandalf grinned at Santa and patted his pipe pocket happily. He and the jolly old elf would share a bowl or two of pipeweed later. Gandalf was quite convinced that Santa was a Maia that he had never met.

“Ho, ho, ho! It has been too long, my friends. Come in! Eat! Drink! We welcome you!”

A little boy poked his head between them. He looked like a tiny copy of his father, minus the beard.

Jeannette slipped away to put little Jay(for Junior) down for his nap while everyone sat down for cocoa and cookies. Glorfindel pulled out a flask and doctored up his drink a little before passing the flask to Erestor. It was empty when it got around the table and back to Glorfindel.

“I am glad you all came this year. With seven billion people on the planet, we need all the help we can get.”

“Seven billion?” Elrond asked, setting his cup down so abruptly that it clattered.

Santa smiled. “This is another time… the plane does not only fly through space but also in time.”


Erestor patted him on the hand. “We all know that, Glorfindel. Everyone on earth knows it.”

“You’ve certainly told them often enough,” Thranduil added under his breath.

Celeborn looked around and asked Santa, “What are we all doing this year?”

“Well, you and Elrond will be taking care of Jeannette and delivering the newest Claus.”

“I’ve been wondering,” Erestor said as he leaned forward. “Do you conceive your children on one certain day on purpose so they’ll be born on Christmas?”

“Oh no!” Santa laughed as he answered. “It doesn’t matter when they are conceived, they are all born on Christmas.”

“Are all your children always boys?” Elrond asked.

“No. Santa Claus is not a person, not a gender. Santa is the spirit of giving and of love. Our family p[asses it down from one generation to the next.”

Everyone was quiet for a moment to let that sink in.

Santa turned to Gandalf. “You, my friend, are going to a shopping mall. There is one in New York with Santa seeing children until almost midnight. Their Santa became very ill and needs a stand in. After that, you will drive a sleigh.”

Gandalf looked shocked. Santa smiled. “You will see amazing things, my friend.”

After their afternoon snacking was done, the elves dispersed. Glorfindel followed Thranduil to the stables. Thranduil looked at the reindeer, one by one, and spoke to each one, giving each one a small apple he’d found somewhere. The last deer in the last stall had a big nose, much bigger than the others. He nudged Thranduil with his nose and it lit up, giving off a dull red glow.

“You must be Rudolf.” Thranduil patted his head and the reindeer seemed to nod as if the understood. Thranduil gave him a sugar cube and whispered something that made the reindeer’s nose glow a very bright red.

Taking no notice of Glorfindel, Thranduil headed for the dormitories where the small Christmas elves lived. He ducked a bit to fit inside the door but could stand up fully once inside. Glorfindel went with him as he walked down the long center hall of the dorm, speaking to this one and that one as he walked through. Thranduil went into a room at the very end of the hall with Glorfindel on his heels.

There, in a big bed, was a tiny wrinkled old man with a long white beard.

“How are you, sir?” Thranduil asked.

“I am better now that you have come. You know that I worry than Sonny won’t have enough help each year. One year, some talking animals helped him. The world has gotten so big and he is bound to go to every home with a child all over the world.”

“Really? I thought he just gave gifts.” Thranduil said as he leaned close to the old man.

“Not all are believers in us but we Clauses believe in all. He speaks to the sleeping children who are not believers, imparting a blessing on them from whatever god they do follow. Peace on earth extends to all mankind. My son visits all the non-believers personally while his gracious helpers help with some of the toys.”

Thranduil hugged the tiny man and wished him all the joy of the season. They went back to the main house, where Santa had found them all rooms to share this time instead of the dormitories.

Celeborn met them at the door. Erestor was following him like a puppy. Thranduil grinned despite himself. He guessed that meant he’d get Glorfindel. He was pretty enough but he surely needed a gag. Or maybe a hearing aid.

“We meet before dinner for our assignments and last minute instructions then we party,” Celeborn informed them. He loved a party, any party, but the ones where he could drink all he wanted dance and flirt all he wanted were the best. He might even kiss Erestor under the mistletoe!

Celeborn and Elrond were assigned to take care of Jeannette and the newest Claus. Gandalf would be Santa in the New York mall until midnight then he’d be a sleigh driver. Thranduil would coordinate the reindeer – that included feeding and getting them ready to fly. Glorfindel and Erestor would make sure the toys were loaded on sleighs for Santa and the elves to deliver. Ralph would supervise all operations and Santa would be Santa.

Dinner was huge. Giant hams, huge beef roasts, chickens and turkeys, potatoes, breads, tons of green beans and even some turnips for Thranduil. Cakes, pies, puddings and cookies were set all over and Santa’s ale was finer than any Celeborn had drunk in Arda. And he’d drunk a lot!

Once all the food was consumed, things were cleared away and the party began in the giant ballroom with a 50 foot Christmas tree in the very middle. The tree was covered with ornaments of all kinds from fancy glass ones to simple paper stars. They all had been gifts from the children from all over the world. All sorts of folk came to the party. too: elves, humans and some others that Celeborn could not name. He suspected that most were some form of magical being.

He made his way to the table and found a cup of something Santa called eggnog. It was quite tasty. He drank one cup rather quickly and got a refill to sip. It was really, really good so he had a third one.

“I am glad you came to visit us again,” Jeannette said from behind him. He turned to look at her. Pregnancy did not detract in any way from her beauty. She glowed in her red velvet gown.

“Will you dance with me?” He asked, surprised at how hard it was to talk to her and look at her without sweeping her off her feet and spiriting her away, even in her delicate condition.

She smiled and stepped into his arms. They danced through several songs before she asked if they could sit one out. Celeborn got her some juice and him another eggnog and sat with her. He thought to himself that he could have loved this woman if he had not married Galadriel but he felt no sadness nor regret. He was just glad to know her at all.

She looked at him. “You are very dangerous. If I didn’t love Santa so much, I’d run away with you.”

“I know,” was his answer, “and I’d take you, too.”

“I’m glad you and Elrond are here to help deliver our baby. Santa is, too. He wishes he didn’t have to leave me on Christmas night, but his duty is very important.”

Celeborn smiled. “There is nowhere I’d rather be, though I do tend to faint at such things.”

Elrond and Ralph joined them at their table. Ralph was smiling from ear to ear. He kept patting Elrond’s leg under the table, thinking no one noticed.

“Have you seen Erestor?” Elrond asked. “Glorfindel and Thranduil are looking for him.”

“He’s probably counting something or organizing something somewhere. That’s what he does, isn’t it?” Celeborn said.

As if summoned by magic, Erestor walked up to the table. His hair was a mess and he had red lipstick on his face. “I was helping Bethany make sure she has plenty of towels for later.”

“Did you find lipstick too?” Celeborn asked, laughing and handing him a small mirror from somewhere in his pockets.

Erestor took one look at himself, handed the mirror back and fled.

After the party, no one lingered because the next day was Christmas Eve and a whole year’s work would come to its culmination when Santa and the reindeer took to the sky. There was much to be done. Food had to be prepared and meals eaten to keep up everyone’s strength, sleighs to be loaded, suits to undergo final inspections, routes to check, weather to check, and those were only a few of the items on the list.

That no one lingered didn’t mean all were quietly asleep. Ralph and Elrond were whispering and giggling under the covers. It didn’t take much imagination to figure out exactly what was going on.

Glorfindel was explaining how to pack a sleigh to Erestor. Erestor was snoring.

Gandalf was sitting out front, smoking his pipe and blowing rings that looked quite like Santa and his reindeer.

Thranduil was lying in his bed, wondering how things were at home. He’d left Legolas in charge. He hoped there weren’t any dwarves there when he got back. The boy did seem to have an odd fondness for them. He’d never understand young people.

Celeborn was thinking about trousers for no particular reason at all.

Christmas Eve dawned clear and cold. Everyone at the North Pole was in the huge main dining room for breakfast and what a breakfast it was. There were all sorts of meats, eggs, cereals (even some quinoa for the terminally trendy North Polers), pancakes, waffles, jellies, jams, biscuits, muffins, and much more. If the elves had been skinny when they started, they all looked quite portly by 10 am. At least the North Pole elves were portly. The helpers from Arda were still tall and slender. The North Polers found them rather plain and certainly too scrawny.

As soon as breakfast was done, everyone set about their tasks - they would go airborne in time to make sunset in New Zealand. It was the first country that Santa would visit. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at the North Pole actually lasted from the first country to celebrate to the last one. This made for a very long night.

Celeborn helped work on getting the sleighs ready all day. The baby would not come until after midnight. He wondered what they would name this one and if it would be a boy or girl. Maybe they’d name it after him. He loved babies and little ones. He wondered why he and Galadriel had only one child. He did have Elrond’s children, though they were all grown up now.

Gandalf came by where Celeborn was fastening jingle bells on a sleigh.

“This is the one they tell me I’ll be using.” Gandalf was dressed in a red suit. He was a bit thinner than Santa so he’d been padded a little to make him appear a little more. He’d already done his shopping mall stint.

“It is ready then. Good luck, my friend.”

A small North Pole elf appeared and popped into the sleigh. “Ready to load her up, Santa?” He asked Gandalf. Everyone who drove a sleigh was Santa on Christmas.

The wizard nodded and got into the sleigh. The reindeer effortlessly pulled the sleigh across the snow to the toy warehouse.

Celeborn watched them go then headed for the main house to check on Jeannette. Elrond was already there. Jeannette was having a very light snack.

She smiled when Celeborn came into the room. “Are you ready?”

Celeborn kissed her forehead. “Are you?”

“Oh yes. This one weighs a ton! I haven’t seen my feet in forever.”

And so it went.

Santa and his helpers delivered presents to children all over the world and more importantly, Santa delivered the gift of hope and joy to everyone everywhere. Though the people of earth were of many faiths and were all too often fighting among themselves, his message of love was relevant to one and all.

At ten minutes after midnight, Celeborn watched as two little Claus babies came into the world, one right after the other. They were tiny little girls, named Holly and Merry in honor of the season. He smiled so much that he was surprised when he touched his face and felt tears on his cheeks. He had never shed tears of joy before. And he’d forgotten to faint in the wonder of the moment.

Jeannette was of good cheer after all her labors, smiling for the official North Pole photographer to make a picture of her and her two precious Christmas gifts.

Elrond was busy with doctorly things while Celeborn held one baby as Jeannette nursed the other. He sang a song he’d sung to his own sweet child many, many years ago. The little one looked at him entranced as he sang in his own tongue.

Young Jay was awakened to see what gifts Santa had brought for him, other than a pair of sisters. He would often wish he could send those two gifts back over the coming years. He got a tricycle and a beginner baseball glove, the two things he had asked for and some books, which he had not asked for, but treasured all the same as they told stories of pirates and dragons and places unseen.

Finally, after the sun rose on Christmas day, all the Santas and all the sleighs came in and everyone but the new mother and her babies gathered in the great dining hall for a huge breakfast.

Santa stood and proposed a toast, the same one he made every year on the same day: “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

He hugged Gandalf and the elves, visited his wife and his new daughters then went to bed for a well-deserved rest.

Celeborn and his companions boarded the strange tube and went home, another Christmas in the bag for Santa’s tallest elves.

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